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Pornography only gets called by its full name when it`s in trouble too.
Scariest thing ever: when a kid sings a nursery rhyme really slow.
the WORLDS shortest joke..... "2 women were sitting together quietly
Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my phone. 1. I don`t have a girlfriend.
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.
A hot woman telling me about her boyfriend is like setting money on fire in front of a homeless person.
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
Who am I calling stupid?? Good question.... What`s your name?!
What do you mean I should be more productive? Do you think this cocktail made itself?
F is for friends who do stuff without you.
When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they’re just thinking for the first time.
They say money can’t buy happiness… but it can buy bacon, and that is pretty darn close.
When the machines rise up against the humans, just pray to your God that you`re nowhere near a dildo factory.
I hate it when I tell someone I`ll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway