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I want to spend the rest of my life photo bombing the Google street view camera shots dressed as Waldo.
There were only 3 commandments until Moses’ wife got involved.
I miss that feeling you`d get at the video store when you discovered the movie you wanted to rent was available.
My identity was stolen. I hope they do a better job with my life than I did!
My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.
You make me want to be a drunker person
LIKE IF you… walk into a room, forget what you need, walk out, and then remember.
If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?
I wonder how much a zebra would cost if you scan it…
If you don`t have anything nice to say, put it all on social networks
Life`s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, `What would Jesus do?`, so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.
You´re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
If we all had to wear a warning label, what would yours say?