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Dear guys: Women don`t want pictures of your d!ck. Maybe try sending a screenshot of your bank statement and see where things go.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.
I think salads help you lose weight because they`re gross and you end up not eating them
I`d say that 6:30 is the best clock time, hands down.
I found a spider in my shoe. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
No, I would not like to join your exclusive membership rewards club. I’m buying a sandwich.
I`m proud to announce that I`m still the undefeated champion at racing with drivers who don`t know we`re racing.
For the record, giving someone the creeps for Christmas is technically not a gift.
Hey sorry I’m late, I didn’t want to come.
"Crazy" is just another name for "Someone who knows how to have fun"
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
Don`t talk about yourself so much... we`ll do that when you leave.
Ever notice how it`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes?
Some people pass through our lives just to teach us not to be like them.
Of all the people who "claim" not to give a sh!t, I`m pretty sure the guy standing barefoot in front of the urinal at the gym is the winner.