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If you just got invited to do something on New Year`s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
Dumped my multiple personality girlfriend yesterday. She took it well, not so well, and she was really upset...
I bet the hardest part of working the poison control hotline is not finishing your sentences with "...you ignorant dumbass"
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
I am a little worried that every "evacuation route" sign is leading away from my house.
Making fun of someone you`re angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car, instead
I try to conduct myself as a perfect gentleman whenever I meet a lady. Chicks dig that.
May have put up a few too many Christmas lights. A 747 just landed in the backyard.
Whenever I`m feeling down... I try to make sure my nails are clipped.
Stop calling them rednecks. The term is NASCAR-Americans. Y`all.
I used to eat natural food, until I heard people were dying of natural causes
Don`t blame me, I was born awesome ;)
If you want to be remembered after you die, borrow money from everyone you know.
There`s a thin line between "I should write a status about that" and "I should talk to my therapist about that"....
Why does the sound of the recliner opening always remind my wife the trash needs to be taken out?