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People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow ... Just sayin
I`m at my most relaxed around dogs and prescription drugs.
I told my 4-year-old she couldn`t open any candy yet. So she ate a Tootsie Roll with the wrapper still on it. That kid is a problem solver.
All bad decisions are ultimately made using the same piece of resounding logic: “Screw it.”
If you really want to get under someone`s skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.
Nothing shall separate me from the love of beer...
Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.
I`d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
Instead of `What`s on your mind?` Facebook should say `Just relax on the couch and tell me all about your problems. Don`t worry, nobody will know`..
Grammar is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.
How strange, some guy just waved half of a peace sign at me...
Judging by the commercials, only old white guys with sailboats can suffer from erectile dysfunction.
Truthfully, I`d like you all a whole lot better if you were bacon.
My friend bought some new floral underwear today. I asked her why she bought `floral` underwear to which she replied "its in memory of all the faces that have been buried there".