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At first, I had my doubts about using autocorrect. But my new phone probed me wrong. PROVED DAMNIT! PROVED!
The best revenge is happiness, because nothing drives people more crazy then seeing someone actually having a good life.
My wife started clipping coupons to help save money. She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
You know it`s been a good day when you finally take your pajamas off - and put some new ones on.
I know you think you´re interesting because you have an accent. But a drunken slur is not an accent.
It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
The key to any successful marriage is separate TVs.
Call me faithless, but I just can`t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
If at first you don`t succeed, you should have done it my way in the first place.
A bunch of us are going out for pancakes when Facebook is over, if you want to come along.
I have the worst case of morning sickness. No I am not pregnant, my body just rejects mornings.
It`s so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager.
Every time someone says "Have a nice day!", I yell "DON`T F**KING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
They`ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that`s been open for more than 2 years.
I’m totally fine with favoritism as long as I’m the favorite.