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Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines.
That urge you get to write “No one gives a crap” on someone’s status.
“Wow! My political opinion just changed because of what you posted on Facebook” – said no one ever.
Times change When I was a kid, werewolves and vampires were very scary. Now everyone wants to have sex with them
It is hard to imagine how people showed their anger before doors were invented.
I hate sharing popcorn with someone at the cinema and our fingers touch. Especially if I don`t know them, and they don`t know we`re sharing.
went to the book store earlier to buy a Where´s Waldo book. When I got there, I couldn´t find the book anywhere. Well played Waldo, well played.
My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation." That wasn`t a very nice postcard to receive.
If you want people to know where you stand, wear the same socks for a week
In an effort to explain marriage to my son I put Dora the Explorer on in Spanish and told him to figure it out or he sleeps on the couch.
Answering all questions with "but you ain`t got no legs Lieutenant Dan" stops people from asking you questions.
my doctor says I have the body of a 20 year old, the mind of a 30 year old and the wisdom of a someone twice my age, to which my husband asked " What did he say about your fat ass?" I said to my husband, "Oh , the doctor didn`t say anything about you dear!".
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."
My Facebook weather forecast looks like I can expect 2 or 3 inches of drama tonight followed by a lot of bullsh!t blowing in from all directions in the morning.
I`m not the kind of guy to distance himself from anything... Far from it.