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What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer & a pregnant girl have in common? There was a DUMBASS who didn`t take it out in time.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I posted "Help, I am in an Iranian prison" everyone would be like "haha good one"
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
This year for Lent I`m giving up hanging out with all the people who gave up drinking for Lent.
I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster.
I wonder how many identical twins are walking around now with the wrong names because their parents got them confused as infants and never figured it out.
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
There could be literally thousands of chameleons in your house right now and you don`t even know it.
Sorry I missed your call. I took too long to answer because I was dancing to the ringtone.
Sometimes I just go on Facebook to see who has been dumped and who is pregnant.
Tattoos are an expensive and painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification.
Redneck WORD OF THE DAY: WATER My girlfriend gets mad and I don`t even know water problem is!
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a normal pigeon.
How about this for lazy: I`m letting the NSA take all my selfies for me.
Next time I`m on an elevator with four or more strangers, I`m going to turn around and say, "I`m sure you`re wondering why I`ve gathered you all here."