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We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way.
I put ALL my eggs in one basket at the grocery store.... Today..!!
Judge: I`ve decided to give your ex-wife $350/month for child support. Me: That`s very generous. I`ll try and kick in a little myself.
Stapling water to a tree is easier than controlling your laughter at serious times.
NEWS FLASH: Man arrested for having sex with a tree.....Police confirm he had wood!!!
I dont mind if you call me Crazy, but dont you dare call me stupid. Because to be this crazy some intelligence is definitely required.
What do you get when you cross a pitbull with a computer? I don`t really know but when it megabytes, it megahertz
It could be worse. Spiders could have wings.
If I haven’t embarrassed myself in front of you… don’t worry, it’ll happen.
Hey sorry I’m late, I didn’t want to come.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
A lot of people don`t know this, but you can quietly like or dislike Obama.
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.
If I had spoken to my parents the way some children do now, I would not be here to share this status.