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They should create an app that makes your cellphone go “ahhhhhhhh” when you plug it in.
Bitches be trippin..... ok, maybe I pushed that one.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere.
"This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall." - Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Life should be more like hockey. When someone pisses you off, you just beat the sh!t out of them then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes.
If I could just make one thing very clear at this point ... I would.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you`ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
My phone just changed, `calendar` to `cake radar` and now I really wish I had that.
One day, I`m gonna wait for the Wal-Mart greeter to go on a bathroom break, step in their place, and begin welcoming everyone to K-mart.
went to see the conjuring, and now there`s 10 crosses, four bibles, and a poster of Chuck Norris in my room.
Unless you fell off the stairmaster and a barbell fell on your face... no one wants to hear about your workout.
Seen it all, done it all, can´t remember most of it.
Took the ice from my ice bucket challenge and put it in my whisky.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked , "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "kindergarten".
Sorry a remote fell out when you took off my bra