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A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.
I ignored your Facebook friend request because there isn`t a "Hell no!" button.
I`m not the sort of person you should put on speakerphone.
I slept on my neck funny and today I will be turning my whole body like Batman every time I have to look at something.
Anyone that says I`m a lover not a fighter has clearly never been in a relationship over 6 months
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an I-pad
My friends had a surprise party for me last night, well I called it a surprise party they called it an intervention.
Half of my day is just me screaming profanities at an electronic device.
Women want a lot of things from one man. Conversely, men want one thing from a lot of women.
Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
Marriage. Because your sh*tty day doesn`t have to end at work
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him. Must get that from his mother.
It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks.
If I get a million likes on Facebook......not a damn thing will change.