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You never know a person until you walk in their shoes, or until you check their browser history.
Here`s $30. Drink until I am really good looking, then come and talk to me.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I`ll be a morning person when it`s Christmas.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
A shark will only attack you if you’re wet.
You don`t have to be crazy to work here ... We`ll train you.
Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
My leadership experience is pretty much limited to those three consecutive days in first grade when I was line leader.
I wouldn`t mind all the penis enlargement emails if they weren`t coming from my wife.
I still like going into Burger King and ordering a McWhopper and a McFry.
"No, thanks. I`m a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
Baby Polar Bear: Mommy, am I really a Polar Bear? Mother: Of course you are. Why? Baby Polar Bear: `Cause I`m fukcing freezing!"
We should be thanking our Dads for bringing us into the world, not our Moms. She probably wasn`t in the mood...