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Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Never sit down in front of the computer while having breakfast because when you get up it’ll be dinner time.
I`m introducing a new calendar system: B.C. = Before Children. A.D. = After Divorce.
When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from Google know it`s urgent.
How did Mexico keep enough people from crossing the border to field a full soccer team?
Why do people ask “What the hell were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren`t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Today, my wife asked "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat." "Yes, honey I do." was not the right answer.
Facebook Poking Hours: Mon-Friday 7am-10pm Sat 12-11pm Sun Closed
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic - Tacs.
Facebook should allow people to be in a relationship with food. That would be my relationship for eternity.
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
I`m doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve orgasm. Don`t worry if you can`t come
I can think of other ways to eat fresh, but I`ll settle for this subway sandwich.
For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea`s TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...