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I was pretty sure that at this point in my career I would have henchmen by now!
Grocery stores could save me a lot of time and effort by adding an “All the stuff you can microwave” aisle.
To say I wasted today would be a huge insult to the producers of the 3 movies I watched.
Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning.
From what I can gather, men hit their sexual peak around age 18. And women hit theirs as soon as the divorce is final.
Three weeks without a signal typo!
bras are booby-traps
When two people love each other deeply, nothing is impossible. Except deciding on where to eat.
You haven`t truly made it on YouTube until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is "BURN HIM, HE`S A WITCH"
I know she`s talking about rain but I don`t like hearing my mom say she got 6 inches
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back... Without the receipt, apparently.
It`s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions. Kids... I meant my kids.
I find the best way to get rid of headaches is to send them either to their rooms or outside to play.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.