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I hope Mexico doesn`t raise the cost of Tequila to pay for this wall.
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting “Eye of the Tiger” just to give them motivation.
There aren`t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, `13...13....13...13.` The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting. `14...14...14...14....
I realized my superpower.. I can walk into ANY bathroom.. And the toilet paper roll will be empty..
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn’t seem so bad now.
I spent 2 hours cleaning this kitchen. Mess it up and I will cut you! ... Love MOM
When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer.
What do women say when they are actually fine?
I don`t understand why people want a relationship when there`s pizza.
Currently helping my sister look for her chocolate`s I ate 4hrs ago.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome.