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Sometimes I wonder if that kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught the fish yet.
Summer is real cool until every f*ckin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell.
If Apple made a car, would it have windows?
Father: Earlier you used to call me papa but now dad, why? Daughter: Come on dad, calling you PAPA spoiles my lipstick.
Having children is a fantastic source of free labor.
Just quit my job so I can spend more quality time giving out candy crush extra lives.
Bless me Father for I hit send.
Facebook is cheaper than therapy, twice as effective & you can do it naked.
I`m getting sick of seeing all these lyric status`s, it reminds me of somebody that I used to know.
Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
What’s the answer to this question?
“Should I add more liquor?” is the most ridiculous question I’ve ever been asked.
Some things make you go hmm. Some things make you go ugh! I make you go "Did he really just say that?"
I swear on this f*cking chicken I will never swear again. Oops.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?