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Just tried to pay for my McDonalds with a hug, it didn`t work. Don`t believe the rumors.
Holiday Shopping Tip #112:Next time you see someone with their arms full of bags looking around a parking lot while pointing and clicking their horn button, help them out and start pushing your horn button too!
It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
Sometimes I feel as though my life should be documented for future generations.
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
I am not cut out for the CIA. All the opposing side would have to do is tickle me and I’d spill all our nation’s secrets.
If you`ve ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you`ve obviously never been married.
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
When ur mom Calls and u have a party at ur house you; shut up!! Answers phone you; hi mommy!
It`s so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people`s heads
I`ve decided that from now on I`m going to answer every question like a presidential candidate. It`s kind of fun...
"Dean, what are you doing this weekend?"
"That`s a great question -- and an important one. And I WILL do something this weekend. But let me take a step back, and answer a broader question. What are we ALL doing this weekend? As a nation? As a world? This weekend, I will do something comprehensive and robust, yet fun. We all should."
"But what are you doing?"
"What I`m g
Sometimes I buy huge pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Stop procrastinating. Join Hokey Pokey Anonymous today and turn that life around!
You bring a baby monitor to the bar one time and everyone freaks out.
One of the saddest days of my life was when I heard that bears sleep for half the year and I realized I had been born the wrong species