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Some women need to realize that showing cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
Seems like you could save a lot of time if you just paired The Bachelor with The Bachelorette.
I saw a poor old lady fall over today, at least I presume she was poor, she only had $ 1,20 in her purse
At the end of the day, life should ask us, ‘Do you want to save the changes?’
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. It’s giving payment when payment is due that I seem to struggle with.
Boss: Where`s the progress report I asked u for. Me: I haven`t made any progress, that`s my report! - What I imagine it`d be like if I had a job
What do crickets hear when they have an awkward silence?
I think people who challenge me at Words With Friends are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.
I am so clever sometimes I don`t even understand what I`m saying.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven`t even seen me in bed yet.
I knew we would be the best of friends when you said drinks are on you
I do this thing called "Whatever The F*ck I Want".
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Just scraped 3 inches of "Mostly Cloudy" off my car.
I`m just like you ... Only smarter and better looking.