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The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to open the vodka is the smartest.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
I woke up this morning and my "check liver" light was on.
If you`re one in a million, there are more than 7,000 of you.
So far I`m 0 for 276 for walking around the block in hopes of finding a bag of money on the side of the road.
How do I like my eggs? ... Umm in a cake.
If cats had wings, they would still just lay there.
The unplanned moments tend to be the best ones.
I ate gummy bears and didn`t bite off their heads or make screaming noises as they entered my mouth and I think this means I`m an adult now.
Remember this when you are drunk: You can`t fall off the floor.
The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.
Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.
That tenth doctor is a selfish idiot, he never recommends anything!
Here`s where I draw the line: ___________________________.
Kid`s Choice Awards are a great reminder why children aren`t allowed to vote.