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Rawwrrr means I love you in dinosaur. Everyone knows that, silly
Sometimes you have got to talk to a 3year old toddler in order to understand the meaning of happiness in life.
We spend 33% of our life sleeping, 33% wanting to be asleep and the rest apologizing to women.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Laughter with large amounts of alcohol & wild crazy monkey sex - now that`s the best medicine.
Sooooo, ..a friend of mine was watching my dog lick herself in a certain area. Out of nowhere he says, "I wish I could do that." ...I said, "Go ahead, but she might bite."...
Im out like a fat kid playing dodge ball
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
Isn`t it weird when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Independence Day.
If you can read this, you`re not having sex either.
I`ve decided to start taking more supplements: calcium pills for my bones, ginkgo pills for my memory, milk thistle for my liver, ginkgo pills for my memory...
Some people are just beautifully wrapped boxes of crap.
My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.
Tonight I’m trying to get to that happy place right between don’t know my own name and head in the toilet.
Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.