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Just saw someone holding a sign that said "Honk 2 impeach Obama" You`d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Much to my daughters horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base`s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of her friends. Being a dad is fun!
I typed bitch into my GPS and guess what? I`m in your drive way. Vroom, vroom mother f*%ker.
There’s a very short list of things you can have in your hand while running without looking crazy.
No matter how little I do in a day. I always feel like I could have done less.
"Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam
If you`re not procrastinating just a little, you`re not doing Saturday right.
I wonder what Facebook employees do at work to waste time.
That awkward moment when u start telling a story only to realise no one is listening so you slowly fade out and pretend to have said nothing.
Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it`s an intervention.
Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent`s last sentence in a whiny voice.
Pro Tip: If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says "one second," wait more than one second before entering.
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
I wonder if birds look at planes and think "man, I`ve really got to hit the gym"
I always found it a little counter productive when the teacher would say "Don`t get smart with me!"