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My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it takes up a lot more hard drive space.
I wonder if people without dogs actually pick food off the floor?
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the pesky word "premeditated " gets thrown around in court.
I`ve taken my kids all over the country, but their favorite place to be is still "in the way."
Diet plan: make friends fatter
Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to. Until she got that restraining order.
You know that you have eaten way too much junk food when you start actually craving something healthy.
It`s impossible to get a parking ticket if you don`t have windshield wipers.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
In alcohol`s defence, I`ve done some pretty dumb sh*t while completely sober too.
When you think about how big the Earth is, then how small it is compared to the Sun, and how the Sun is just a speck of dust in the universe, it`s easy to justify eating an entire chocolate cake.
Who ever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard!