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Don`t do anything you`re not prepared to explain to a paramedic...
I`ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn`t just put the dots in the shape of the actual letters.
I need coffee in my life more than I need most people.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Writing "Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???" on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
With Halo 4, Black Ops II and Assasins Creed III, I think November might register the lowest teen pregnancy rates in a long time!
Just used the holiday card with your kid`s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
I`d like to eat healthy, but we all know what happened that time Eve ate an apple. Best not to risk it.
Water is life; without it we wouldn’t have coffee, whiskey or beer.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it’s AM. Google thinks I’ve got my life together.
How do some people manage to sit on it and talk out of it at the same time?
I stopped going to AA because all of their stories were about how they hit rock bottom by waking up next to me.
Facebook is like my fridge… I know there is nothing there but I check it every 10 minutes anyways.
While it was raining today, I thought for fun I would run out there and scream "I`m melting I`m melting!"
Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it`s none of my damn business.