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When we catch the people who kill elephants & rhinos, can we pull all their teeth first?
I love it when I Google something I should know the answer to and find out 308 people are just as dumb as I am.
If they have an Ice Cream Truck for kids why don’t that have a Beer Truck for adults?
One of the greatest things about owning a dog is how happy they are to see you even though you just stepped out of the house for 30 seconds.
I almost got raped in jail last night. My family takes Monopoly very seriously.
I`m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out I`ll pop open the red and drink that.
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners...
When something goes wrong in your life, just yell "PLOT TWIST!" and move on.
I guess today has been pretty good. I haven`t had to slap one single person yet....
Never forget that we live in a world in which it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract.
Today I saw a cat with three legs, which was much better than finding the alternative, just a cat`s leg.
I would`ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited `til it was dark instead.
A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
People often mistake me for being a good listener. The truth is, I really just don`t want to talk.
6 FUNNIEST CONTRADICTING WORDS 1.Clearly misunderstood 2.Exact estimate 3.Small crowd 4.Found missing 5.Fully empty 6.Happily married