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The ‘poke’ button on Facebook should be replaced with a ‘slap’ button.
Your license plate should be your phone number... So when you drive like a dumbass, I can let you know about it.
I`ve been building my own particle accelerator. Plan to create a boson particle. Explore the mysteries.....you know what? This is a lot of work. Think I`m just going to have a beer and play Call of Duty.
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead, but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies... and idiots!
I´ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming "CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" when they have nightmares.
My boss calls it a cubicle. I call it a happiness deprivation chamber.
Sometimes I wish you could ask the pharmacist to "make it a double".
I didn`t mean to offend you, that was just a bonus.
Why can`t Miss Piggy count to 100? Cuz` when she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat!
I`m just looking for a reason not to drink
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn`t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
You can either be right, or you can be the husband.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."
Dear whoever ate my fries while i was in the ball pit at McDonald`s... grow up!!