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Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it already.
Two years ago I became a proud parent. My kid is 6, but they were kind of a pain those first four years.
Can someone else be a sex symbol today? ... My good T-shirt is still in the wash...
Some people, even in photos, just look like they smell horrible.
You’d think after all these beauty pageants, we would have world peace by now.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over? You were driving 80 miles an hour. Driver: "No way; I ain`t even been on the road an hour."
I have difficulty sleeping at night because I lay awake obsessing over life`s mysteries, like how exactly does paper beat rock.
The boss said I should let my creative juices flow. What he doesn’t know is that my creative juices are vodka and cranberry.
The internet has made me so ADD. Started off googling "how to replace a timing belt" ended up watching a video on how to milk a camel.
When the machines rise up against the humans, just pray to your God that you`re nowhere near a dildo factory.
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I hate you bye
Oops, I must have put my personalities on "shuffle"
If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, text them when you’re drunk.
I wasn´t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I feel