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I just burned 1200 calories ... I forgot the pizza in the oven again.
If you don`t boo at people after bad sex, how do you expect to motivate them to get better?
If a bra is called an `Over the shoulder bolder holder,` then would you call men`s underwear `Under the butt nut hut?`
I wonder how many people`s phones out there have my name saved in contacts as "DO NOT ANSWER"
When I`m in a bathroom stall, please don`t yell "Oh my God oh my God there`s a guy in here!" Respect my privacy.
Orion`s Belt is a huge waist of space.
It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced “Haha, f*ck you!”.
Every snack you make, every meal you bake, every bite you take, I`ll be watching you. - Dog
I`m CDO. It`s like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order. LIKE THEY SHOULD BE!!!
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
you know you have a kid personality when you think step brothers is the greatest movie ever.
Do the right thing today: Go to someone`s profile, scroll down 4 months, and like something.
I just spent a lot of time trying to form a thought when it would`ve been easier to just say, "F*ck it."
Every Girls Night Out has at least one crier.
I went frisbee golfing today. I didn`t get an ace, but I did hit a guy and that was just as satisfying.