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Relationships are like batteries, they have a positive & a negative side. And you end up whacking your remote instead of changing them.
Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
Maybe the reason Uncle Phil hated Will was because the first thing Will gave him was a $3700 cab ride bill from Philly to Bel-Air.
You know how people dread going to the dentist? I feel that way about getting out of bed.
Alcohol: Because no good story starts with “So this one time I was eating a salad….”
3 wishes for when I find a genie: 1. The more I eat the skinnier I get 2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist 3. Other kid owns a winery
The worst part about being alone is I don`t have anyone to get me a beer from the fridge.
Whenever I get a message that begins with “Hey Stranger” I know I’m about to be asked for a favor by someone I don’t want to help.
I remember 2012 like it was yesterday.
Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent`s last sentence in a whiny voice.
It’s always a special moment when you finally get to hear those three words you’ve been waiting for……. “Your order’s ready.”
They`re all cop cars when you`re this high.
That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.
Why don`t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
I just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don`t be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor.