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When I say "It`s a long story," it doesn`t mean it`s actually a long story. It means I just don`t want to tell you.
3 horrible facts: 1. Today is not Friday... 2. Tomorrow is not Friday... 3. The day after tomorrow is not Friday...
The only dates I get are updates.
I don`t really work, I just kinda stand around and be awesome.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn`t concentrate.
I`ve just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible. I`m still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself
Everyone talks about leaving a better planet for our kids. Let`s try to leave better kids for our planet.
Best grilled cheese ever!! All I did was add a hamburger patty.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed, it ruled.
It`s not that people use only 10% of their brains, it`s that only 10% of people use their brains.
Saw my ex with another guy at a bar last night. So I ordered a beer, took a few sips, walked over to their table, gave her date the rest of my drink and walked away... #leftovers
Somewhere out there is a guy named Joe whose greatest achievement is that he was a really sloppy eater.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
The light does go out in the fridge ... Now I have to wait for someone to let me out.
If by time, you mean vodka, then yes, time does heal all wounds.