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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
never be afraid to wipe twice
When I woke up today, I had no plans to be awesome, it just happened.
No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.
I really have important work to get done, but I really just want to sit here and complete a quiz on what percentage redneck I am..
Coworker: What did you do this weekend? Me: Dug holes in the woods. And that is how you get people to shut up.
Cool things about being a turtle: 1. Born with a free house attached to you 2. Super chill 3. Could potentially mutate into a ninja
I hate those new parents who do the `baby talking`, yes I do, yes I do...
As a matter of fact, the whole world does revolve around me.
Based on commercials, every single car has won car of the year.
I have a dream that one day I won`t have to work on MLK Day.
I wish electronics would scream a little bit when you unplugged them.
I don`t even know why chicks spend so much time and money on their hair when all guys look at is their tits.
If you see me out somewhere and act like you didn`t, you should know that I ignored you first.
Welcome to fight club..., you may now kiss the bride.