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I`m definitely the drunkest person in this ball pit.
I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None! It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
The best moments in life are simple… you know like when you sit down and get comfy and the remote is magically next to you.
When we give each other a thumbs up, it`s our way of mocking every other animal on earth.
H&R Block said I won`t get nearly as much back in taxes this year because apparently the neighbors want to claim their own children.
Ladies, if he calls you crazy, don`t get upset. Crazy girls are better in bed so take it as a compliment. But stab him, just in case...
Cheers, to judging people who spell words wrong in their statuses.
A woman that doesn`t ask for nothing deserves everything
Diet Tip #63 : Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.
Sometimes my life feels like a 40 year long episode of Punk`d...
My therapist doesn`t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Education is a process where we waste one half of our life learning how to waste the other half of our life!!
There`s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed...
How many servings of fruit are in a fruit roll up? I`m trying to take my diet seriously now.