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This year for Lent I`m giving up hanging out with all the people who gave up drinking for Lent.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, "Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"
The snooze button, because there’s nothing like starting your day off with a little procrastination.
Gun Control: Use both hands
Lord, it`s me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?
"Holy sh!t, that guy eats a lot of pizza" -people that walk by my house on recycling day.
My goal this weekend is to move just enough each day so that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead
To skip any youtube ad just change ‘youtube’ to ‘youtubeskip’ in the url of any video. You’re welcome.
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming... 1. Whenever you`re wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you`re right, shut up.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
keep scrolling I`ve got nothing....
Sometimes my brain is like the bermuda triangle...Information goes in then it`s never found again..
If you`re "just sayin", then just shut the hell up.
Weekends will from now on begin on Wednesday because that is when it should truly begin!
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental issues