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What a rip-off. I picked up a book called 101 Mating Positions. It turned out to be a book on chess.
I just want a reason to dramatically slide across the hood of a car.
Shall I compare thee to a Summer`s Eve? For thou art a douche.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c`mon...even I`ve done THAT!"
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
Saw a boat with a sign that read "For Sale" so I added the missing "-ing"......Idiots can`t spell...
I love all religions. They bring holidays .
I just broke a light bulb. Damn, is that 7 years of bad ideas.
-buys lottery ticket -fantasizes about winning the lottery -smiles -loses lottery -resumes general hatred for life
Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11, and birthday candles ... Do your damn job.
It`s hard to trust people. Even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
My daughter said, "You`re the best mommy ever!" I`m really proud that she`s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
I don`t get why girls get so offended by sexist jokes..I think they are just ovary-acting. Seriously..
The fact that you don’t find me amazing doesn’t bother me at all, it just confirms what I have suspected all along; that you have bad taste.
Cactuses are just heavily armed cucumbers.