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Your life must really suck when no one even likes the catfish version of you.
Today`s secret word is "epic". When someone says the secret word scream real loud and punch them in the face.
I want my next girl to be crazy but more "Lets have sex in public" crazy rather than "I throw hot coffee in your face" crazy.
Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you`d like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don`t mind."
Instead of exes, they should be called whys.
Summer is real cool until every f*ckin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell.
I farted on my wallet. Now I have gas money
Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call……
I`m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they`ve won the Canadian lottery.
My neighbors listen to some amazing music… whether they like it or not. ;)
Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold.
When someone says "Surprise me", I quickly drop my pants.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
If they gave out awards for laziness, I would have to send somebody to accept it for me.
Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.