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I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.
I`m trying to live healthier......but I`m considering taking up cigars, since they`re still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.
Burger King is offering delivery service in some areas. I don’t trust it. Everyone knows it’s impossible to drive without eating the fries.
Tequila. For those nights you just want to pretend she`s hot.
The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single f*cking one of them
I dreamt that was dreaming, and then someone woke me up and told me I was dreaming but it turned out I had only dreamed that so I went back to sleep in my dream, all upset that my dream that I was dreaming was interrupted by another dream....hahahahaha.....whoa, need to lay off the Red Bull.
Sneezing is like using sonar to find polite people.
How can I be expected to make life choices when I still use my fingers to count?
Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.
I love my six pack abs so much that I cover them with a layer of fat .
It`s damn funny when a wife think`s she`s punishing her husband by not talking to him for days..
I don`t get women. Also, I don`t understand them.
I think I`m going to run for political office, so people can dig up dirt on me. I have been wanting to piece together my twenties.
All I’m saying is, you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time.