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I know I have a long way to go but look at how far I`ve come.
My ex is living proof as to how stupid I can be.
"I love Justin bieber" well I love McDonalds but you don`t see me making an account pretending to be a f*cking chicken nugget do you...
when girls say bye .......... may be it means buy something for her.....
If everyone would stop screaming, I`m sure we`d all agree I`m not supposed to be in this women`s restroom.
My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you`re trying to escape?
sometimes... late at night... i rearrange traffic signs. people need to be challenged.
Did you ever stop to think that maybe vodka is addicted to ME?
My wife told me that her favorite position is when I lay very very still wearing a toe tag and she starts dating again
FACT: How kids feel about snow days is the exact opposite of how parents feel about snow days.
I’ve finally decided to do something about my weight ... Lie.
The great thing about snow is it makes your lawn look as good as your neighbors.
I have some serious self-esteem issues. The last time I posted a selfie I first cropped myself out of it.
There’s no such thing as being ready for vacation to be over.