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If you tell someone your Birthday and they automatically know your astrological sign, run as fast as you can away from them.
How could a man who is covered in tattoos be afraid of commitment?
My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
At any given time, my wallet is worth more than it’s contents.
I`m trying to cut back on posting pics to Instagram, so I`m not going to eat anymore.
I`m just a guy struggling to find the appropriate level of inappropriateness for every social interaction I`m unlucky enough to be a part of
I got BOMBED last night and decided to do my own taxes and guess what! I`m getting 4 million dollars back this year!
People are always gonna talk about you, so you might as well give them something good to say.
Q.Teacher: why do we drink water? A. Learner : Because we cant eat it!
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I`m the type of person that would thrive in solitary confinement.
I don’t mind going to work. It’s that eight-hour wait to go home that bugs me.
If I ever had to run for my life, I would probably die.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Hangry: (noun) a state of anger caused by lack of food. May evoke negative change in emotional state. Translation -- Feed me or I`ll kill you.