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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Don`t date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.
I asked my kid “do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It’s so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”
I try to avoid things that make me look fat, like scales, mirrors and photographs!
Before you decide to spend less time on social media... make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Worries about the economy grow again after the world`s biggest yacht-selling company announce a drop in sails
Insomnia causes questionable browser history.
FACT: Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you’re brave enough.
If I had a dollar for everytime I was distracted, look squirrel!
I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.
People hear my southern accent and automatically assume I`m stupid. Let me tell you something right now. That is just a coincidence.
This patience thing takes forever.
I bet heroin addicts can open a Capri sun on the first try.
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches.