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I would like to think that I`ll die heroic death saving someone`s life but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my shoelaces and choke on a spoonful of Nutella.
Well, one week smoke free, only 4 dead, 27 injured… not bad…
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it`s a good thing I never had kids. Or did I?
I like people... From a distance.
Behind every beautiful woman, is a beautiful behind.
I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.
Alcohol is like laxatives for constipated thoughts. The more you drink, the more sh!t that comes out your mouth.
Our sex was so good, the neighbors smoked after we finished.
This oatmeal tastes like I`m gonna need a doughnut.
All i wanna know is how this website knew my name is Guest?
The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.
I got in touch with my musculine side today - laying on the couch all day, eating gross food, playing games...
Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia. There’s a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
My goal in life: Build a time machine and travel forward into the future until I can stop and ask someone "Do you know what `buffering` is?" and they are clueless.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use "sliced bread" as our basis for great inventions.