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When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then go find somebody whose life gave them vodka and throw a party.
When choosing a ring tone, always ask yourself, "How embarrassed will I be when this rings in public?"
My medical ID bracelet says "just let it happen"
I can buy my own sugar. What I need is an insurance daddy.
My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.
A "long story" is just a short story that no one wants to tell.
Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I`m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I was going to get married, but my wife refuses to sign the divorce papers
I feel sorry for people who don`t have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.
My mother always used to think that my friends were bad influences. ..I wonder if she`s figured out yet that I was the one coming up with all the ideas? ;)
In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
If you need Facebook to remind you it`s your wife`s birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch.
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit"
I tried yoga and I think my downward dog looked more like winnie the pooh getting stuck in rabbit`s door.