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I told the monster in my closet that coming out of of there would make him gay, haha problem solved ....
Let`s start by taking some notes today. I`m fabulous bitches! Write that down.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix… Don’t drink and derive!
Whenever there is an awkward silence try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
If you`re ever held at gun point, just remember, I`m behind you 100%.
Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven`t left your couch since 2011.
Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you’re a 3 year-old with annoying parents.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they`ll erase what they did during the week.
I eat my salad without dressing because who has time to put on clothes...
When someone walks away from me shaking their head, I totally agree.
Imagine coming home from a long vacation and finding your bathroom towels are wet from just being used. I can do that to your ex if you want.
If I ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn`t make me excited, pull the plug.
After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive. Then a voice in my head says, " hahaa, good one!" Then we laugh and laugh and take a nap.
When I`m bored, I send a text to a random number saying, " I hid the body, now what?"