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Fighting is bad. Breaking up a fight between a douchebag and the bar owner is good. Thank God I`m a ninja.
Facebook: Saving us money on birthday cards since 2004
Caller ID should be more detailed~ "Wants Help Moving" "Going to Whine" "Will Ask to Borrow Money"
200 pictures of you at the bar and 2 pictures with your kids. You must be quite the mom.
If the shampoo and conditioner in her shower are not the same brand GET THE F*CK OUT, SHE`S A MAN!
You haven`t really made it until people start using your name as a verb.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
I`m always amazed that when tragedy strikes how quickly people on Facebook become experts on the subject no matter what it is.
If I drop my food on a plane, and we change time zones at the same time, do I receive an additional hour to the 5 second rule?
I’ll need a weekend to recover from this weekend.
I tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.
There are plenty of fish in the sea ...That`s cool and all....but I`m a human.
My dad use to take me to the circus to see the clowns, freakshows and the bearded lady. Now... I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.
I googled "cigarette lighter" and got 150000 matches.