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By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I`ve likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I`m supposed to stop reading the internet.
I like my coffee like I like my women, hot and a lot of alcohol in them
A recent survey of one person reveals that 100% of me thinks I should leave work early.
Stole a cart from this woman at Walmart today. I like to think of it as playing grand theft auto suburbs edition.
Never believe a person who claims is telling the truth while holding a pack of beers in both their hands
It should be socially acceptable to end any boring conversation by shouting "UNSUBSCRIBE!"
I just came online to check the weather. That was 12 years ago.
This is my first status of 2017. Yeah, I thought it would be better too.
I gave my cat 7up, now it has 16 lives
Velcro, what a rip-off!
Women use sex to get stuff, men lose stuff because of sex.
Just ran across a great dessert recipe...Cut up some bananas, apples & oranges in a bowl. Add fresh squeezed lime juice. Then toss it in the trash and eat a cheesecake.
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
Finding a needle in a haystack is quite easy if you just set the hay on fire.