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If you don`t have anything nice to say, say it anyway, `cause it might be really really funny.
Why does the alphabet need to be in order anyway
I put a dollar in one of those change machines once. Nothing changed.
Sorry I liked your status, I was cleaning my phone.
Put on my workout clothes before going to the donut store just to give the impression I earned this.
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.
So....if the cup is only half full....I suggest buying a smaller bra
I wonder if dogs ever wake up in the morning and think "dear god please don`t take me jogging with you today"?
We must STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under!
Never underestimate a woman’s ability to make anything your fault.
I told everybody at work that I`ve got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
If you`re not afraid when someone is flipping through the photos on your phone then you`re probably boring.
I get a lot of “You must work out!!!” I just wish it wasn’t from doctors. :(
It`s not my fault you thought I was normal.