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Whoever said "Lets do that" in the meeting for the pop-tarts without frosting, should be fired
My life has a great cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.
Meant to tell my kid "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school tomorrow because this is bullsh!t"
A good lawyer knows the law ... A great lawyer knows the judge.
I think eating is my kind of sport.
9 year olds have a Blackberry, an iPad, a laptop, & a Facebook… When I was 9, I felt cool with my new markers.
My safe word is "Make sure we don`t go over the hour. That`s all the cash I got on me."
Bacon...need I say more
True Story: People will believe you when start a story saying "True story"
If you didn`t want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.
"I`ve had so much coffee, I got halfway to work and realized I forgot my car."
I`m trying to lose weight by eating carrots and bran muffins. It`s a fiber-optics diet.
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.
What`s the opposite of wanting to hear about you doing crossfit? I`m that.
I’m trying to read a book about how to relax, but I keep falling asleep