Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
Dating: the process of hiding your crazy just long enough to get the other person to commit.
If I go missing this holiday season and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at the gym.
Before I wash my socks, I just throw one in the trash.
State of mind is in no mind to state its state of mind.
I don`t regret burning bridges. I regret that some people weren`t on those bridges when I burned them.
Life`s tough. It`s tougher if you`re stupid...
Facebook needs a "settle down" button.. You tap on a friend`s profile, that locks them out for a day so they can work through stuff privately..
Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade.
Any person can be nice to my face, but it takes a real friend to be nice behind my back.
WOULD YOU RATHER: have six arms or giant antlers? (You don’t really get a choice; the surgeons were just sort of curious.)
I`m switching to Metric. I would weigh a lot less on the Metric scale.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my sh!t together & yet still insult me for being full of it?
Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.