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Do people who run know that we’re not food anymore.
There`s no better reminder to visit your dentist than a trip to Walmart.
I might enjoy work more if at the end of the day I could slide down the back of a brontosaurus directly into my car.
I don’t mean to alarm you but you know those people in your office that can’t work the fax machine? They’re driving home on the same roads.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned, it`s that I should have learned some other stuff.
I may have just inadvertently accomplished something
Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can`t change a tire for sh*t.
I`m as bored as a guy with no arms looking at porn.
I got passed by a Prius on the Interstate and now I’m legally required to pee sitting down.
Blood moon, shooting stars....I gotta move to a safer galaxy
I wonder what happens when a doctor’s wife eats an apple a day.
I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.
A hypnotist is just someone that tries to roofie you with jazz hands.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that`s still a sports injury, right?
Onion rings are vegetables. And the Large size counts as two servings.