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Clearly the people that design refrigerators don`t know me if they think one tiny cheese drawer and two giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
My girlfriend wanted me to show her a good time, so I showed her pictures of me before we met.
Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look. That one is shaped like an idiot
TV needs to stop putting up those stupid “viewer discretion” warnings. My mom is sick of me calling her for clearance.
The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" then we both laughed and laughed... And now I need bail money.
Warranty – A notice telling the buyer when the product that was just purchased will no longer function.
"Trust your gut" is terrible advice. How can I put trust in something that tells me to eat an entire pizza when I get drunk?
I wonder how much a zebra would cost if you scan it…
I`m just going to start wearing a shirt to work that says "I`m good, thanks for asking."
My name is Fred and I`m a survivor. If you are out there..if anyone is out there. I can provide food/shelter..Anybody please....U are not alone....
I never thought I`d be the kind of person who`d wake up early in the morning to exercise ... And I was right.
Is food porn star a thing yet??
the only way I know something is bad for me is if I like it
I could actually watch golf on TV if Land Mines were involved.