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liquor stores should sell Shamwows.. I bet they would conquer any challenge alcohol can conjure up. spills.. puke.. all kinds of messes.
My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she’s a b!tch
I had a terrible dream about mufflers and now I`m exhausted.
I have no fear of heights. I do, however have a fear of falling from heights.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I`m supposed to stop reading the internet.
If you can’t face it, moon it.
I’ve made some pretty bad choices in life but I have to admit, having orange juice with Oreos was the worst.
I recently added squats to my daily workout routine and I did so by moving my beer to the bottom shelf in my refrigerator.
Just a reminder that you don’t have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking.
Have you ever wondered if God looks down at you in a humorous moment, chuckles to himself, and says "yeah I made that!"
Facebook account for sale, Friends included...
If your girlfriend says she`s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall...You might be dating my wife.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
If the customer is always right, then why isn’t anything for free?
Aaron Hernandez`s next jersey is going to be a jailhouse jumpsuit!