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They call cat people crazy but they`re not the ones outside at 5AM putting fresh dog poop into little baggies.
Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
My wife started clipping coupons to help save money. She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Doctor: How is your headache? Me: She is fine.
They say that you are what we eat. This means that I am cheap, easy and ready in 2 minutes!
New research reported that men enjoy snuggling. A second study showed that men will say anything to get a researcher into bed.
Men are great listeners when you have big boobs ;)
When I die, bury me with a pack of smokes, no light. Where I`m going, there will have plenty of free fires to light from.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestle Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I`m exhausted.
Give up, itsy-bitsy spider. It wasn`t meant to be.
No matter how old you are, If a little kid shoots you with a toy gun, you pretend to die.
Is professional lollygagger an actual job yet?
I really worried about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
Requesting a table in the “Hot Waitress” section should be socially acceptable.
Some people pass through our lives just to teach us not to be like them.