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And for my next magic trick, I`ll walk down a street and turn into a bar.
People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you`re married...that`s a job!!
After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I’m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
I hate it when my fat makes me look fat.
I think today I`ll stalk my stalker, just to shake things up a little.
My kids are giving all the people on this airplane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I SOOOOO wanted Kim and Kayne to name their daughter Wild Wild...
Just convinced my Mom she won`t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn`t see Teen Wolf first.
Chess says everything about men and women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
It`s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Just got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it ... Sounds about right for this Monday
Don’t believe everything you think.
I wish my life had background music so I could figure out what the hell is going on.
I haven`t seen any new Bigfoot pictures in a while... I hope he`s OK.