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My dog`s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I`d like it to be.
Saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons last night. ..Must be going through a tough period in her life.
Some people are just bad news!!! Those are my favorite!
This year thousands of men will die from stubbornness....NO WE WON`T!!
Don`t forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.
Dear Gangsta: If you pulled up your pants a little you could run from the cops faster.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
My wife woke up with a HUGE smile on her face this morning. I love sharpies.
Facebook becomes 100 times more entertaining when you have work to do.
If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
I stopped watching the History Channel because it`s so outdated.
Half of my life has been spent hoping people don’t see me.
If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple `Thank you.` is all I need! Not all this `How did you get in my house?` business!
Nothing`s more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.
I wonder if these beers are performance enhancing. I’m feeling pretty awesome!!