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And, yet another day I’ve gone without using calculus.
Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.
I`m in the awkward time period between not wanting to have pants on, and having to wait for the pizza guy right now...
Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
I believe in looking out for number one. Especially if the dog is not house trained.
Wine with crackers and cheese is basically just the classy version of beer and nachos.
Adding "just sayin" to a smart-a$$ed comment makes you even more of an a$$hole. Just sayin
Of course I`m a good mother ... They`re still alive aren`t they.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Learn a lesson from your dog. No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that crap and move on.
Bars are Weird Its the only Business that kicks you out for buying TOO much of their Product
Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don`t want to attract any attention.
All I ask for is a chance to prove money can`t make me happy.
I have high blood pressure, but my dogs don`t. So, from now on I`m only getting upset about squirrels and mailmen.
In alcohol`s defence, I`ve done some pretty dumb sh*t while completely sober too.