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I go to McDonald`s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
My girlfriend would be so mad if he found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess
Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did New Years Eve and at the beginning add the word "stop."
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back in my toy chest..
The key to any successful marriage is separate TVs.
You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.
I hate it when chicks wear pink camo. I`m like, "girl" where you hiding? Candyland?
You know that 200-foot high expansion bridge you drove over today? Just remember that it was built by the lowest bidder.
Cool thing about winter is after grocery shopping your car can double as your refrigerator.
If being lazy paid, damn dude I must be a billionaire.
I go from "Hard to get" to "Hard to get rid of" in 6 beers flat.
Everyone`s self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were texting all night with a calculator.
is without a doubt, the most popular and best looking person using this laptop.