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“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Coffee...Meet your Maker!
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until ALL the birds have gone South for the Winter.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you`ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can’t conjugate verbs.
I just became a professional Counterfeiter, I even have the certificates to prove it.
I just found out that all the people who say "You haven`t changed a bit" have been lying to me. :)
My house is not messy. Those are just obstacles I`ve put in place for burglars.
Somewhere out there is a guy named Joe whose greatest achievement is that he was a really sloppy eater.
Since 4th of July falls on a Wednesday do we drink the weekend before? the weekend after? That Wednesday? The entire week? The entire month? The entire year?
I consider "Not Dishwasher Safe" to be more of a challenge than a warning.
Girls, dont read this please: Hey guys, isn`t it funny how our wives/or girlfirends really think that we care what they did that day? lol.....it never gets old.
When I see a shoe on the side of the road I wonder if Cinderella is in a nearby house.
RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.
Why do people freak out about dolphins getting caugh in tuna nets? What about the tuna?