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Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn`t answer the phone.
Thought for the day: Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that is where sh!tty ideas come from!
There were only 3 commandments until Moses’ wife got involved.
I have cat-like reflexes. If I hear a loud noise, I keep napping.
Does Facebook have a “You’re not smart enough to be talking about politics” button?
If the waitress in the One Bell Pub is reading this can we please have our pudding now, cheers
Why is the guy who serves you at the restaurant called a waiter, when it is you that is waiting?
You`ll never see me on Hoarders because I can`t afford that much sh!t.
I thought she would duck officer- me checking the psychic`s ability
I just took the "What Kind of Asshole are You?" quiz and got "The kind that posts my results on Facebook".
I did all I can do. I can´t do no more
People like you are the reason people like me take pills.
So how many pokes does it take before its considered a heavy petting?
Despite its name, Gatorade is pretty much fatal to alligators. I’m not allowed to volunteer at the zoo anymore.