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They call cat people crazy but they`re not the ones outside at 5AM putting fresh dog poop into little baggies.
I`m definitely the drunkest person in this ball pit.
I don`t really understand why women are expected to be able to cook if they can give blowjobs.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face. I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
My last relationship was a lot like The Notebook. It felt like it lasted forever and we both wanted to die towards the end.
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
Yadot rorrim eht fo edis gnorw eht no pu ekow I. (I woke up on the wrong side of the mirror today.)
I`ve been hiding from exercise. I`m in the fitness protection program.
"Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry."
I always push when I should pull. I have doorlexia.
I read my kids a few select facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, "This is why we have to stay in school"
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Found out the name of my neighbor`s cat. In other news, I now have free internet.
Getting back with your ex is pretty much the same as taking a shower, getting out, and putting back on the same old dirty underwear.
LIFE HACK: Sneak into doctor`s waiting rooms instead of subscribing to magazines.