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My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
I shouldn`t play with Legos!? It says "Ages 7 & Up". 30 is higher than 7. Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
My doctor told me to start watching what I eat. What channel is the Pizza Network on?
I`m now at the age where if I see a nice nursing home, I make a mental note of it.
You know you`re getting old when you`re looking forward to some time off so you can have like three doctors appointments.
Pretty nice opinion you got there. It`d be a shame if someone were to...not give a sh*t about it
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming.
I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes, “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.
Laughing is the best medicine. But if you’re laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
Occasionally, I like to take a look through my old status updates and smile at my sparkling wit.
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches.
It is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.