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When I was younger, it was wine, women & song. Now I am older, it`s beer, the old lady & TV!
I`m pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore.
So another day has come and gone and I still haven`t used algebra
My motto is "Never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto...
If being lazy paid, damn dude I must be a billionaire.
There is always light at the end of the tunnel. It might be a train or a truck so dont let it hit you.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
This is the only way I know how to correctly use a semi-colon ;)
Walmart has their new Savings Catcher app... I`m thinking savings isn`t the only thing you will catch ...
Cologne - because people shouldn`t have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.
True love is when you burn your tongue when you take a bite from a pizza and you still keep eating it.