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Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.
Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out?
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk while it´s still snowing
Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.
My version of flirting is looking at someone attractive multiple times while hoping they are more brave than I am.
Deep down I don`t believe that paper beats rock.
I hate when I`m about to hug somebody really sexy and my face hits the mirror!!
I`m starting to think that Dr. Dre isn`t a real doctor after all...
There`s no room in my life for B.S. ... Unless it`s burritos oand salsa
Why isn’t the default for online shopping “view all”? Who likes to skip through 20 pages of only 12 items…
*during sex,I suddenly stop moving* Her: What are you doing? Me: SHHHHH It`s ok...I saw this on Pornhub, It`s called Buffering!
When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, when I tell people about my accomplishments, they always say, "Big deal."