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I’m starting to think that the gym isn’t really for me. I went this morning and laid down on the mat to do some sit-ups. I woke up 2 hours later.
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
I wish more people were fluent in silence.
Warning: this life contains strong language, adult situations and nudity.
This time change has me all messed up. Driving with my hands at 11 and 3 is hard
I would watch NASCAR if hot wheels designed the tracks.
Told my kids next time I take their electronics away I`d also be responding to all texts they receive. They`ve been well behaved since.
Love is grand. Divorce is 100 grand.
The way I figure it, whatever doesn’t kill me has lost it’s chance.
BEFORE I GET DRUNK, NAKED,THROWN IN JAIL AND LOOSE MY DAMN PHONE. *HAPPY NEW YEAR.
On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with `unsubscribe`
This oatmeal tastes like I`m gonna need a doughnut.
Isn`t it weird when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.
If I didn’t drink, how would my friends know I loved them at 2AM?
I always look out for #1 ... unless I`m walking thru my yard, then I look out for #2