Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
As a kid, i was afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I am terrified of the electrical bill.
They say in the near future computers will become more intelligent than people, really, the near future? I walk down the street and see girls who struggle with the difference between orange and tanned, guys who have no idea how a belt works, and all of them with less language skills then the average trained chimp. Computers? Hell I’ve got an alarm clock that’s smarter than most of them right now.
I had to leave the bowling alley right in the middle of the game. I didn`t have time to spare.
Lazy fact #128540162, You were too lazy to read that number.
“A body at rest tends to stay at rest” should be an acceptable excuse for missing work.
Lord, grant me the courage to be the person I am under my breath.
Maybe Voldemort`s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
Just burned 2000 calories. That`s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap.
Get real. No one’s going to form a single line if the building’s on FIRE.
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink at night.
And then I was all: “I’m really getting sick of your shit, bitch.” And then she was all: “To speak with a representative please press 7.”
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
2011: Come at me bro! 1800`s: Advance towards me brethren!
When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they’re just thinking for the first time.
Divorce is what happens when two people win an argument.