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I bet Waldo’s parents are worried sick.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Your secret is safe with me as long as it`s boring.
By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I`ve likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.
Somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of the impact you`ve made in their life. It`s not me. I think your an idiot.
Whenever I read: "Do not exceed recommended dose" I always think, "Challenge accepted!"
The road to hell is paved with good intentions Note to self...avoid good intentions at all costs.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Who cares how I got inside your house. What matters is that we`re together now.
I`m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I`m your man.
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
If your girlfriend says she`s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall...You might be dating my wife.
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I`m very disappointed with all of you.
when people fall in love they are called " love birds." when they fight they are called "angry birds."
I`m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.