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Running away does not help you with your problems, unless you are fat.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating "I can`t hear you" over and over
Why do crutons come in resealable bags? Are we really worried about them going stale?
Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.
Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn`t appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.
My greatest achievement today was writing this status.
It`s scientifically proven the more you shut up then the less likely I am to punch you in the face.
I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
Felt like being Bad today, like an Outlaw Bad, felt like doing something illegal, so I ran through the house ripping off all the Mattress Tags..... Come and get me Coppers, but you won`t take me alive.......................
Any time you feel lonely, remember, its your fault nobody likes you.
I`m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I am outstanding.
2011: Come at me bro! 1800`s: Advance towards me brethren!
My mind says go to the gym but my heart says food.
The self-driving car should have an "I`m Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.