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They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that`s why I surround myself with lazy people
I`m getting a mistletoe tramp stamp.
Idk what was worse, the fact that my girlfriend text me saying “sorry breaking up with you” or that a minute later she text me back “sorry wrong number.”
I bet the hardest part of working the poison control hotline is not finishing your sentences with "...you ignorant dumbass"
Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom`s wise words: "Don`t pick that up!! You don`t know where it`s been!!"
Cant imagine the look on Obamas face when he saw `Olympus Has Fallen`..His next quote would have been.."No more Taiwans in the secret Elevetor office"
Reasons to get out of bed: None.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”
Don`t judge me just because I sin differently from you.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it must be the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do... And for those who like country music, denigrate means ‘to speak badly of`.
I was just watching Ladies Beach volleyball and there`s already been a wrist injury.. No worries, I should be okay in a couple of days..
If I ever get arrested I am going to ask for a status update instead of a phone call.
You never know how many people you dislike until you have to name your child.