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I find you`re total lack of ambition is inspiring.
Saw a girl with three lip piercings, took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain
You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!
Why do they ask you "Please press 1 for English, then put you with someone who`s accent is so thick you can`t understand them?
I used to have superpowers but the psychiatrist took them away.
It`s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Alcohol: Because no good story starts with “So this one time I was eating a salad….”
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Summer needs to slow the hell down.
When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.
I have no super powers. I`m guessing I`m the villain.
Eleventeen percent of the population makes up words.
If your girlfriend says she`s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall...You might be dating my wife.
I do love you for your mind, I just like your mind a lot more when you’re naked.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.