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I used to have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lived 150 miles away
I’m at the doctor’s office & they don’t know why I have this rash on my balls. Guess I’ll wait for the Dr, these other patients are clueless.
Dropped my cheeseburger in the dirt before I ate it. That`s about as organic you`re gonna get out of me.
When I see people drinking at 11 am on a Friday I`m like, where do you work and are they hiring?
I’m a proud supporter of messy hair and sweatpants.
Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to. Until she got that restraining order.
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
Falling in love is just like falling down a well, except one is dank, dark and scary, and can really hurt you, and the other is a well.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can`t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
With great power comes great electricity bill.
Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
If I had a nickel for everytime I said, "If I had a nickel", I`d be rich.
That amazing moment when you post a comment on Facebook and everyone likes it.
Health care in this country is a disgrace. My doctor said run 3 miles a day for a month. I`m now completely lost & 90 miles away from home.
Sleep is just a symptom of caffeine deprivation.