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My girlfriend said we can`t hang out this weekend because she doesn`t really exist.
Why didn`t you tell me that I wasn`t going to like you
My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he`s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
If your man is reluctant to talk about his feelings, it’s probably because you haven’t told him what they are yet.
if the shoe fits wear it , if it too tight take it off
"She really does suck!" could be a complement in the porn industry
People pay to sponsor animals in the wild and get pic updates on it. Well if anyone would like to sponsor me I will send you a selfie a day.
If a man says you`re ugly, he`s being mean. If a woman says you`re ugly, she`s jealous. If a little kid says you`re ugly, then you`re ugly.
The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app
I went on two diets because there wasn’t enough food on just the one.
If you put Root Beer in a square glass do you get Beer?
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
My Wife asked, "Would you like a romantic interlude?" I said, "Does a bear crap in the woods?". Wish I`d just said `Yes`, she`s been on Google ever since.
Hello... Modeling Agency? Ya, my selfie just got 34 likes I think I`m ready to go pro!
Just because she weighed as much as two women doesn`t mean you had a threesome