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Girls don`t dress for guys, they dress for themselves. If they dressed for guys they would be naked all the time
Step One: Always have a solid alibi.
Synonym: Word used in place of the one you can`t spell.
My living room is pretty much a fat camp without rules.
Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write for people and pray they cash them at the teller.
At a wedding reception I recently attended someone said, "All the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
Mornings are the best when they start in the afternoon.
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.
When I think of a good status in the shower, I run out dripping & naked and post it before the internet ends and it’s too late.
I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.
What do you mean being awesome for another year isn`t a resolution?
When you think about how big the Earth is, then how small it is compared to the Sun, and how the Sun is just a speck of dust in the universe, it`s easy to justify eating an entire chocolate cake.
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for longer than 6 months.
Being unsure has never stopped me from making a decision.
If I say "I don`t know, let me look", I`m really just spinning around in my chair a few times while you`re on hold.